Jeff's Big Day Off

I've been taking a bit of a break for the past few weeks.

I started writing bad pickup lines, though.

Enjoy.

Hey, girl. Can I be the one to perform the Heimlich maneuver on you when you need it?
Hey, girl. Can I be your emergency contact?
Hey, girl. Can we cause an OSHA violation together?
Hey, girl. Can I sign your terms and conditions?
Hey, girl. Can I be your Tom Selleck in a Ferrari?
Hey, girl. Can we be on a wanted poster together?
Hey, girl. Can I be your Star Trek red shirt?
Hey, girl. Can I be the emperor giving you a thumbs-up (although the historical accuracy of that gesture is debatable) after you lose the gladiator fight in the Colosseum?
Hey, girl. Can I call the tips line and collect the reward for you?
Hey, girl. Can we burn some peanut butter cookies in the oven because we started baking and got distracted by playing Mario Kart where I was completely dominating with Bowser?
Hey, girl. Can I be your alibi?
Hey, girl. Can I be your alpenhorn when you want to call in your cows for milking?
Hey, girl. Can I be the one to tell you it's okay when we're at dinner with heads of state and you trip on the hem of your dress and fall down the stairs?
Hey, girl. Can I be the Konami code for you?
Hey, girl. Can I be your complementary angle?
Hey, girl. Can I make your saving throw?
Hey, girl. Can I be your TSA pre-check line so you can skip straight to boarding?
Hey, girl. Can I provide that feeling of you got burglarized and all your stuff was taken, but then you find a cool photo of a dog wearing sunglasses for you?
Hey, girl. Can I hold your hand after working bare-handed with depleted uranium cylinders all day?
Hey, girl. Can I use these go-go-gadget telescoping arms to give you a hug from across the street?
Hey, girl. Can I bring you hot wings whenever you desire?
Hey, girl. Can I be that well-placed outlet in the world right when your battery is at 3%?
Hey, girl. Can I be Professor Plum in the study with the revolver while you're Miss Scarlett in the ballroom with the candlestick?
Hey, girl. Can I be the blank tile you needed in Scrabble to create the word MUZJIKS for 79 points?
Hey, girl. Can I change from a semi truck into a robot and give you an energon cube?
Hey, girl. Can I be the one to declare a thumb war with you where I instantly let you win so you can carry the feeling of victory with you for the rest of the day?
Hey, girl. Can I be your airport duty-free store where you get big discounts before you board?
Hey, girl. Can I be the flux you needed to desolder those resistors?
Hey, girl. Can I be a Bag of Holding for all your problems provided they don't exceed 500 pounds in weight or 64 cubic feet in volume because that's what the 5th edition rules say, with an additional caveat that exceeding the stated capacity even slightly causes the bag to rupture, scattering the contents across the astral plane?
Hey, girl. Can I be like the vintage dress with pockets that you always wanted?
Hey, girl. Can I be across the room from you in a restaurant giving you sultry looks as I eat spaghetti?
Hey, girl. Can I be in line behind you at the register and if you're a dollar short and I happen to have one, I spend it on myself?